A high-energy woman and an ordinary-looking guy standing onstage. Bright infomercial music plays underneath.

WOMAN
Are you a man who is sad, but not in a way
you can monetize?

MAN
I should really start that Substack.

WOMAN
Do you have zero hobbies, a group chat
that only sends memes, and an insurance plan
that doesn't cover therapy?

MAN
I feel so empty. But also like I shouldn’t
have to do anything about it.

WOMAN
Try Dating-A-Woman!

On screen: DATING-A-WOMAN logo

WOMAN
Dating-A-Woman is the fastest, easiest way
to feel less lonely without making any real changes
or asking a male friend one vulnerable question.

MAN
Will Dating-A-Woman fix the void in my life?

WOMAN
Absolutely not! But it will temporarily distract
you from it.

MAN
Perfect. What do I have to do to start
Dating-A-Woman?

WOMAN
The bare minimum! Simply: Grow a mustache,
add a Greta Gerwig film to your Letterboxd Top 4,
learn how to make one good pasta dish, say
"I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately," and develop
a vague interest in things like fountain pens or tinned fish.

MAN
Wow. And what happens once I start
Dating-A-Woman?

WOMAN
Great question!

MAN
Thanks! I probably won't ask another.

WOMAN
When Dating-A-Woman, you get access to:
household management, social planning,
long conversations about your childhood,
flexible timelines for decisions you don’t want to make,
reminders to eat a vegetable, long conversations about
how your job keeps promoting women “for optics,”
and gentle reassurance you're not balding.

MAN
Normally advertising doesn't work on me,
but that sounds incredible! There has to be some
kind of catch.

WOMAN
That's the thing. According to her,
you're the catch.

MAN
That makes sense. You're kinda smart,
for a woman.

Cut music.

WOMAN
(Drops announcer voice)
Thanks. I just wish someone saw
me as a full person and not just a solution
to their existential problems.

MAN
Oh. Sorry, I don't really see you like that.

WOMAN
Cool cool cool.

Music back up.

WOMAN
(Back to announcer voice)
But don't just take it from me, listen to
what these guys have to say!

2 guys enter.

GUY 1
Before Dating-A-Woman, my only
hobbies were prank calling children’s hospitals and
shooting jars of piss in a field.
Now my hobby is her.

GUY 2
I used to sleep in a racecar bed
with no sheets. Now I sleep in a big boy
bed with sheets that wash themselves!

Old man enters.

OLD MAN
Hi, there. I’ve been dating a woman
for almost 50 years now. We met in high school.

WOMAN
Aww that’s actually really sweet.

OLD MAN
Yeah, I was her gym teacher.

Heavy sigh from Woman.

WOMAN
So what are you waiting for?
Try Dating-A-Woman today!
Because building a meaningful life is hard,
but dating someone who already has one is easy!

VO
Dating-A-Woman should not be confused
with Marrying-A-Woman. If this comes up,
respond with: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Babe. Babe. Whoa.
I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”

On screen: DRAFTKINGS logo

VO
Brought to you by DraftKings.
DraftKings: It's not sad if you don't lose!

Blackout.